Forgiveness cannot be forced. Giving someone your forgiveness prematurely, prior to really feeling it, is not in your best interest. Yes, it's good and spiritually "correct" to forgive those who have hurt us or somehow negatively impacted our lives. It may make those receiving your forgiveness feel better about themselves and less guilty. But it is not natural. Not at first. And, frequently, not for some time. Forgiveness is a basic psychological process, and the process must be honored and slowly worked through in order for forgiveness to occur. When we are ready, forgiveness seems to happen. And not a moment sooner. But, at the right time, forgiveness is fundamentally an existential choice: to hang on to anger, resentment, hatred and rage or to finally let it go. And perhaps harness or redirect that rage for productive purposes. Forgiveness can, in a sense, be considered a constructively selfish choice, since it is ultimately psychologically beneficial to relinquish toxic resentment and embitterment. (See my prior post.) But to feel angry or resentful about having been insulted, violated, abandoned, abused or victimized is natural, totally normal, and must be where the forgiveness process starts. Where we are. Not where we would like to or feel we should be, spiritually or philosophically speaking. In this sense, being righteously angry, properly pissed-off, accepting and honoring rather than minimizing one's rage and inherent right to be furious, is the first courageous step on the sometimes long and painful path toward forgiveness. Forgiveness, of course, is not the same as forgetting. We can, in due time, forgive even those who refuse to acknowledge their injurious actions--though this makes forgiveness exceedingly more difficult than granting it to those who do. But to forget bad behavior is foolish. And dangerous. Forgiveness is fundamentally an expression of spiritual compassion for the evil deeds of our fellow humans, malicious or unintentional, and an acceptance of the hidden shadow in us all. But it must never become a naive, blind denial of the deep-seated and pervasive human capacity for evil. Forgiveness, like charity, at best, begins at home: Learning to forgive ourselves for our own mistakes and misdemeanors can help to feel more compassion and forgiveness toward others. In turn, practicing forgiveness of others can make us more forgiving of our own frailties, weaknesses and missteps.

Anger is your ally. Anger is one of the most maligned human emotions. This demonization of anger is manifest in many spiritual or religious traditions. And even, or perhaps especially, in mental health professionals, who typically vilify and misperceive anger or rage as purely negative, destructive, dangerous and irrational, and therefore seek to suppress it in their patients and themselves psychopharmacologically and/or psychotherapeutically. That is an immense mistake. You have a right to your anger. You need it. Anger, when properly related to, is a vital source of strength, energy and empowerment. Yes, of course, anger can be devastatingly destructive and dangerous. And frequently pathological. But, while it may sometimes require psychiatric intervention such as medication or hospitalization to control runaway rage and prevent violence, suppressing one's anger over time rather than addressing it makes it even more dangerous. What is needed is a recognition and validation of our anger and some means of expressing or redirecting it constructively rather than destructively. Being able to verbally express one's rage and connect it consciously to its true source, rather than unconsciously acting it out, is an important aspect of any worthwhile "anger management" program. Anger, is not, as many believe, antithetical to spirituality. Nor to mental health. On the contrary, accepting one's anger is the start of spiritual wisdom, as well as a key to therapeutic progress. And, paradoxically, increased creativity. Here is a secret that psychotherapy patients and many artists come to know: Anger is closely correlated with creativity: As Rollo May wrote, "Our culture requires that we repress most of our anger, and, therefore, we are repressing most of our creativity." So the secret is in finding ways to use one's anger or rage creatively rather than suppressing or expressing it destructively. (See my prior post.)

Love always hurts. We like to think of love as a joyful, uplifting, experience. And it can be. But love also has a dark side. Opening oneself up to love is risky and dangerous business. Many psychotherapy patients intuitively know this, which is why they resist doing so. (See my prior post on "love phobia." )  Almost always, they have been previously burned, by parents or friends or lovers. Some defend against love consciously, others unconsciously. But, at the same time, they know they are missing out on something vitally important, primal and meaningful in their lives. Something that can serve to assuage and transcend at least part of our existential loneliness. Falling in love is like being infected: We have been deeply and irrevocably affected by encountering another, and are made aware of a powerful, unbidden, irrational process being, for better or worse, inexorably set into motion within us. There are archetypal symptoms of "love infection," as with influenza, for example.  And, when one's love is unreciprocated, taken for granted or rejected, the pain and suffering is excruciating. The secret about love is that such suffering can teach us much about ourselves and life if we learn to see it psychologically and utilize it productively: Love is a two-edged sword. It can hurt. But it can also heal. (See my prior post on the "love cure.") Being willing to love despite love's dark side is a courageous affirmation of life.